Does Anybody Hear Her?
I don't know if anybody else feels like this, but is there a place where you feel like part of the wallpaper? Where you thought you were so involved, but really...no one noticed when you were there...or when you were gone? I think most people have, but maybe as an introvert I've had that experience more than others. I've experienced it twice...at the same place. And unfortunately, it's a place where you wouldn't think you would, but it happens there most often. That's right, I'm talking about church.
Let me say this - I love going to church. My sweet boyfriend can testify that if I go to church on Sunday, I will automatically have a better week. I don't even have to talk to anyone there - I just soak up the atmosphere and love to talk to and learn more about my Father. Growing up in a "Christian" home (some use that term lightly, but mine really was centered around Jesus), for 18 years I went to church once, twice, or even three times a week. My parents have always been extremely involved, and their example ultimately led me to volunteer and love it.
Before I really get started on my thoughts, listen to this song by Casting Crowns:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OEhRucEVzH8&ob=av2n
Keep it in mind as you read. Also keep in mind that this post has been brewing in my mind for months and that I am not trying to criticize any specific church, pastor, or congregation. I am merely taking my own experiences and thoughts and trying to share them.
When I was 9, we moved from Dallas (Texas) to Cary (NC), and became involved with a church. Skip ahead a few years, and we had moved to England. When I was 14, we moved back to America, and I was longing to go back "home" to that church we had left. It had expanded tremendously in the three years that we were gone - so much so, that I only knew two people on the very large staff. I also only knew (remembered, rather) four families that still attended this church. But I loved them so much that I knew that's where we had to move back to (we had a few options of where to go upon our return). So we did it, and in January we moved back to good ol' Cary. These families were very welcoming, but I felt kind of awkward...like I had "missed out" on their lives over the past few years and I could no longer be as involved with them as I once was. Unfortunately, this really caused me to strongly dislike church. Why would I want to go to the high school room when I would sit alone the entire time? Maybe one person would talk to me for a minute...but only one. I would get sick to my stomach and beg my mom to let me sit "just this week" out. Thankfully, through her getting me to volunteer, I met my (still) best friend who is extremely outgoing and very talkative. And at the time, I simply did not want to be the one talking. I felt trapped inside my awkward, changing body. I was so self conscious. So to hear her tell me all about Cary High, her friends, and her huge family's drama was a huge relief for me, and she really got me to get involved in the high school group. I am still so grateful to her for bringing myself out of my very hard, sad, lonely shell.
Fast forward a few years. My years in high school I was extremely involved in helping lead worship in the young kids' room. I was a small group leader and everything! I had made huge steps in feeling a little more comfortable in this church. I worked at an after school program, and many of those who I worked with I also went to church with. Basically, my life was so integrated with this place that the majority of my friends I had met at church.
Then I graduated and went to college.
And then I felt myself disappearing from that scene. Many of those who I would have called my best friends have not seen me but a few times a year, if even. I could count on one hand who told me (from this group of people) happy birthday. There are many who don't respond to me on Twitter. I know in general, these things are extremely silly, but when you feel like you have close friends and then you basically don't hear from them in almost 2 years unless I happen to walk by, it just makes you feel rejected.
When I go back to this place, I get that feeling in my stomach again. The bad kind. Isn't that horrible? I can only imagine what outsiders feel like coming in. I was an insider and I feel extremely left out. In fact, I don't even have to wonder if there were outsiders who felt like that - through my experiences at N.C. State, I have met a handful of people I had never known before, and when I told them where I went to church they were like "Oh, that place. Yeah, it seemed cool but I never really fit in/click with anyone I met." The only relief I had in hearing that was that I wasn't the only one who didn't feel a part of "the group."
Now, I do think that church has a heart of gold - don't get me wrong. I know they all love Jesus and I learn so much when I go. It's the...social side of things that upsets me a little bit. I hate feeling like I don't exist and that I don't matter. Thankfully, I'm involved in a few other groups who know who I am. I don't consider myself "cool," but I would say I can be funny(ish) - not on purpose - and I have only met two people in my entire life who I did not like. So I'm a pretty open, loveable girl...I'm just not outgoing enough I suppose.
Sorry for the really vulnerable part - I just think that churches often think that they are "extremely inclusive," especially if you ask a member of the group; but many "outsiders" who aren't necessarily used to or comfortable to church settings, they probably felt excluded (and not because they did not try to get involved). I think if you go to a big enough church where you cannot name everyone in the room, then you need to be talking to those you don't know. And if you're not...well how is your church being inclusive? Church is supposed to be where people can come, broken and vulnerable, needing discipleship and fellowship to help them in their walk with Christ. I think it's interesting how that place is very commonly where people feel lonely. We don't live in a perfect world, but we should be doing better than this. We are all God's children.
Casting Crowns is one of my favorite groups because they criticize churches when others are afraid to or don't feel it's necessary. I would check out their song "If We Are the Body" because it really goes hand in hand with this post, and it shows that we may not be doing as much as we think. As for me, I attend a different church with my boyfriend and sometimes his family. This decision was before any of these feelings came out for a second time - and I made it because I wanted to find a different church than my "family's" church - because college is all about exploration. I plan to get involved in their children's ministry possibly this summer when I'll be around my car, making it much easier to get there on a stable basis!
I hope you have a great day. Be the body.
Let me say this - I love going to church. My sweet boyfriend can testify that if I go to church on Sunday, I will automatically have a better week. I don't even have to talk to anyone there - I just soak up the atmosphere and love to talk to and learn more about my Father. Growing up in a "Christian" home (some use that term lightly, but mine really was centered around Jesus), for 18 years I went to church once, twice, or even three times a week. My parents have always been extremely involved, and their example ultimately led me to volunteer and love it.
Before I really get started on my thoughts, listen to this song by Casting Crowns:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OEhRucEVzH8&ob=av2n
Keep it in mind as you read. Also keep in mind that this post has been brewing in my mind for months and that I am not trying to criticize any specific church, pastor, or congregation. I am merely taking my own experiences and thoughts and trying to share them.
When I was 9, we moved from Dallas (Texas) to Cary (NC), and became involved with a church. Skip ahead a few years, and we had moved to England. When I was 14, we moved back to America, and I was longing to go back "home" to that church we had left. It had expanded tremendously in the three years that we were gone - so much so, that I only knew two people on the very large staff. I also only knew (remembered, rather) four families that still attended this church. But I loved them so much that I knew that's where we had to move back to (we had a few options of where to go upon our return). So we did it, and in January we moved back to good ol' Cary. These families were very welcoming, but I felt kind of awkward...like I had "missed out" on their lives over the past few years and I could no longer be as involved with them as I once was. Unfortunately, this really caused me to strongly dislike church. Why would I want to go to the high school room when I would sit alone the entire time? Maybe one person would talk to me for a minute...but only one. I would get sick to my stomach and beg my mom to let me sit "just this week" out. Thankfully, through her getting me to volunteer, I met my (still) best friend who is extremely outgoing and very talkative. And at the time, I simply did not want to be the one talking. I felt trapped inside my awkward, changing body. I was so self conscious. So to hear her tell me all about Cary High, her friends, and her huge family's drama was a huge relief for me, and she really got me to get involved in the high school group. I am still so grateful to her for bringing myself out of my very hard, sad, lonely shell.
Fast forward a few years. My years in high school I was extremely involved in helping lead worship in the young kids' room. I was a small group leader and everything! I had made huge steps in feeling a little more comfortable in this church. I worked at an after school program, and many of those who I worked with I also went to church with. Basically, my life was so integrated with this place that the majority of my friends I had met at church.
Then I graduated and went to college.
And then I felt myself disappearing from that scene. Many of those who I would have called my best friends have not seen me but a few times a year, if even. I could count on one hand who told me (from this group of people) happy birthday. There are many who don't respond to me on Twitter. I know in general, these things are extremely silly, but when you feel like you have close friends and then you basically don't hear from them in almost 2 years unless I happen to walk by, it just makes you feel rejected.
When I go back to this place, I get that feeling in my stomach again. The bad kind. Isn't that horrible? I can only imagine what outsiders feel like coming in. I was an insider and I feel extremely left out. In fact, I don't even have to wonder if there were outsiders who felt like that - through my experiences at N.C. State, I have met a handful of people I had never known before, and when I told them where I went to church they were like "Oh, that place. Yeah, it seemed cool but I never really fit in/click with anyone I met." The only relief I had in hearing that was that I wasn't the only one who didn't feel a part of "the group."
Now, I do think that church has a heart of gold - don't get me wrong. I know they all love Jesus and I learn so much when I go. It's the...social side of things that upsets me a little bit. I hate feeling like I don't exist and that I don't matter. Thankfully, I'm involved in a few other groups who know who I am. I don't consider myself "cool," but I would say I can be funny(ish) - not on purpose - and I have only met two people in my entire life who I did not like. So I'm a pretty open, loveable girl...I'm just not outgoing enough I suppose.
Sorry for the really vulnerable part - I just think that churches often think that they are "extremely inclusive," especially if you ask a member of the group; but many "outsiders" who aren't necessarily used to or comfortable to church settings, they probably felt excluded (and not because they did not try to get involved). I think if you go to a big enough church where you cannot name everyone in the room, then you need to be talking to those you don't know. And if you're not...well how is your church being inclusive? Church is supposed to be where people can come, broken and vulnerable, needing discipleship and fellowship to help them in their walk with Christ. I think it's interesting how that place is very commonly where people feel lonely. We don't live in a perfect world, but we should be doing better than this. We are all God's children.
Casting Crowns is one of my favorite groups because they criticize churches when others are afraid to or don't feel it's necessary. I would check out their song "If We Are the Body" because it really goes hand in hand with this post, and it shows that we may not be doing as much as we think. As for me, I attend a different church with my boyfriend and sometimes his family. This decision was before any of these feelings came out for a second time - and I made it because I wanted to find a different church than my "family's" church - because college is all about exploration. I plan to get involved in their children's ministry possibly this summer when I'll be around my car, making it much easier to get there on a stable basis!
I hope you have a great day. Be the body.
Comments
That really was a great post Chels, you definitely are not the only one who has/had those problems. I haven't found a church out here that I have stuck to yet because of feelings like this. Maybe I should take a page out of your book and just stick with it. You never know what might happen.